I’ve had cause over the past week or so to do a lot of thinking about what it means to me to be a “team player”. And unless you’re in a guild that spells it out for you (and oh god, I would hate to be in that guild!), every player has to figure out how much give they’re comfortable with in relation to how much take they think they get.

I am the back-up raid leader for our Sunday afternoon 10-man ICC runs. However, since our regular raid leader is the raid leader for our 25s, I’ve been more than a little slack about preparing for it. I mean, I know what we need as far as group composition, and I could spout strats for any boss up to Festergut and Rotface, but … after that I’d choke. I haven’t been doing my research like I should. So when put on the spot this past Sunday, I made the call for the good of the group to make sure I didn’t have to raid lead. It was a choice that paid off – we got a new boss down that we would not have even attempted had I been leading the raid.

But it was a good reminder for me why I don’t want to be – in any capacity – involved in the running of a guild. No matter what decisions get made, someone isn’t happy. We had about twice as many DPS signups than we had slots for this week. We canceled the raid that had been scheduled for this coming Sunday as there was no one available & qualified to lead it. I won’t speak for the other potential raid leaders, but I was not willing to stress myself out and make my family unhappy by bailing out of Easter dinner early to lead a raid that – most likely – we wouldn’t have had tanks and healers to field anyway.

At the same time, though, I know it’s an unreasonable expectation that guild leaders, raid leaders, and officers are available 24/7 to make sure everyone’s getting to do everything they want to when they want to. I think a lot of the responsibility lies on all guild members to make the fun. So when I feel like I can do something for someone (or more likely a group of someones), I try to do that.

I might have overcompensated for what I felt to be my fail on Sunday (in choosing who got to go to ICC 10 and who had to sit) on Monday. Monday, for me, was all about doing things for other people. Not only did I assemble both an Onyxia 10 man raid and a Trial of the Crusader 10 man raid, I healed for both. And I’ve come to despise healing raids on my shaman thanks to the fun that was being told how terrible I was at every opportunity by another resto shaman in my old guild.

Last night, when an impromptu ICC was being assembled, DPS were lining up to go, so Pen & I offered to sit. We get to go just about every week – many people – due to schedules or just the scarcity of 10 man raid slots – do not. It felt like the right thing to do at the time, even though I really wanted to go.

The problem is this: I don’t know how to walk that fine line of doing things I want, and doing things other people want me to do without getting burned out, resentful, or simply apathetic. I’m not good at being selfish; I never have been.  While rationally, I know I have no obligation to my guild past official raids that I sign up for, I feel obligated a lot.

This weekend, I had really hoped to get some folks together to try for Sarth3D. However, our server’s weekly raid quest is for Sartharion, so the likelihood of that actually happening is slim because most people will be running it early in the week for the quest. Even so, I’m keeping the commitment I made to the few folks who had already agreed to go on Saturday, knowing that either way, we’ll be able to get the quest done. But I felt guilty for not going with the group last night – moreso when it exploded into drama and ridiculousness due to their need to pug.

The constant shortage of tanks and healers for offnight / impromptu stuff pushes me closer and closer to transferring my warrior because I feel like I could help out so much more if I had a level capped tank. But I keep procrastinating it because the offnight stuff is really what I enjoy the most, and I want to be playing my main.

Yet again, I feel like I’m failing at balance & this is how I keep ending up being “in charge” of something. When my first WoW-guild fell apart due to lack of leadership, I was one of the people nominated to lead the new one that formed. When we splintered off at the beginning of Wrath so that maybe, those of us who wanted to would actually get to raid, my boyfriend and I co-GMed that endeavor. After several months of feeling like I was only playing to keep other people happy, we left our own guild for raider positions in a 10-man hardmode guild. When that guild got all shook up due to WoW-affecting issues in the guild leader’s life, we ended up in officer positions there as well, which what was ultimately what led to a (very ugly) parting of ways.

The transfer to Azgalor, and to a much larger guild, was supposed to be freeing. We were going to be itty bitty fish in an overwhelming large pond. As long as we fulfilled our commitments, no one was going to care if we were online or not.

It hasn’t really worked out that way & while I am not unhappy with how it did work out (playing with friends? Always more fun), I find myself struggling again. I want everyone to be happy – I want my little corner of WoW to be free of drama, and meanness, and hurt feelings. I want everyone to play nice, goddamnit.

Smaller groups are filled with their own problems and frustrations, but those I knew how to deal with. This is an entirely different universe for me.

I’m going to leave you with a quote of the day from one of the BoO officers:

It should always be that easy. Trufax.